My name is...
Wednesday, November 09, 2005

If you know me well.. or happen to involve in conversation with me on the topic of Names and how sometimes mixture of first name and sur name could results in some funny/silly/embarassing or rather "unique" combination, you would know that this topic can easily be ranked as the top 5 fav topics that I would like to talk or crap about. Though you might argue that having a good or proper name doesnt really matters as long as you have a good and proper personality.. but hello.. your highschool moral teacher might buy that kinda crap, but not me. Imagine, you inherit godly personality like gandhi the great and purity of mother Theresa, but when being asked by your kindergarten teacher on, "what's your name boy?" and you had to reply, "err.. my name is.. Holland Tiu" (Hou Lan Tiu = Big time M*ther F*cking Cock-up) hmm.. the world isnt going to be bright for you everytime you have to reveal your full name man..

Romanized Chinese names in particular are prone to having errors or miscalculation like that.. and end up having funny names.. Due to improper registry or weak linguistic ability, or some screwed up reasons (e.g. mistakes made by nurses that accidentally register your surname "Sek" to "Sak"), some traditional chinese surnames when being romanized or encoded into English produces funky result, like "Yew Ken Fatt" (You can Fatt/F8ck *depends on how you interpret it) and "Soh Can Ai".

Also, due to the reason that there are many dialects even among the chinese, romanized chinese names can be turned into laughing stocks in 'dialectual' context, For example: Chan Yeung Shui 陳阳水 brings no obstructive meaning in Mandarin, as it simply means water of the sun, but phonologically it means very ugly in cantonese, samething goes for all the Tiew/Tius (in cantonese, Tiu/tiew means f*ck or any equivalent swear words)

You don't normally find this kind of thing common in western names.. as their names are made up words by words but not consonant-like characters, the only error they could made out of that is adapting ambiguous or obviously sensitive wordings as part of their name, like Dickson, WindAss, Suckling, and so on. Usually it happens only in the case of surnames but not first or given names (due to lack of consideration from the ancestor.. just becoz they desires their child to have long penises they called themselves Dicklong). Even so, it isnt as bad as the effect carried over in the chinese context with funky-ass romanized chinese names that could results in a life-time tragedy (imagine being called as Sak Yow Lin or Mr. Sak for 80 yrs).

Recently, the situation has changes and opt to be getting worse, as along with the advances in technology, people tends to unify with each other.. and therefore results in fusion of christian names/western names and romanized Chinese names.. woah.. trust me, without proper consideration and double check in at least 20-30 types of languages and dialects.. please do not simply name your child, or else he or she might blame it on you when he/she got to bare on the ever-lasting curse, unless you pay a small sum of money to change your name in related govt sector (don't ask me where.. i dunno). When combining random Christan names with any 'prone-to-errors' Chinese surname, woah.. you can either end up with really cool yet disturbing names like Ian Kok (Iron Cock) and Monica Cheng (Touching your ass - fusions of both mandarin and hokkien) or merely disturbing names like Lambert Chee (Lam Par Chee - testicles in Hokkien) and Harry Teik (Hairy Tit). Though it might be kinda amusing to have a name like Iron Cock (or at least it sounds like it) but having it as the official indentification for others to address you.. it is just pretty much sad ler..

Generally, when related to romanized Chinese names (espeacilly surnames) in terms of context, fusion with Christian Names and other factors you often find weird/improper and obtrusive combination of names. Therefore, since i am taking a break from studying, and as a source of releasing stress, i decided to divide those unthinkable names into few categories, so in future, you will have a rough idea on how not to name your child improperly.

Category I - Problematic Chinese Surnames
*All the surnames listed are considered sensitive one way or another, and could results in even more vulgar combination when being assorted wrongly or without caution.

1. All the Koks (as associated with male genitals)
2. Tiew, Tiu or Tew - the Tiu family
3. Teik (Tit)
4. Sak (Suck)
5. Kum or Kam (as associated with Come, Cum, Cunt, etc)
6. Quek (minor severity, it just sounds rather funny when you put it together with Donald)
7. Lok or Luk (as it means stick or ellongated object in Cantonese.. figures..)
8. Wang (as associated with Wank or Wand which known as male genitals in some Brittish slangs)
9. Lan (again.. male genitals in cantonese.. )
10. Hai (female genitals in cantonese, finally.. something other than male's precious organ)

Advises: 1) with surnames like these, as a parent you must be extremely cautious and watchful in terms of naming your children especially if you planned to give them christian names as well.
2) Start with brainstorming, then break it down and eliminate dodgy sounding names, and shortlist only a handful
3) Double check the possibility of inappropriate sounding names by looking through dictionaries of different languages and dialects
4) Try adapting common Christian names like Alan, Michael, May, Cindy, etc. There's a reason why they are so common, as it is error-free and safe for work.
5) If, after proceeding from 1-4, still couldnt get a satisfying result.. consult me (lol), or consider changing your surname to save the younger generation from everlasting agony

Category II- Dodgy Christian names when paired with suspicious or potentially harmful Chinese Surnames

1. Harry, as it sounded like Hairy.. and could results in Hairy Teik, Hairy Kok, etc
2. Holland, when paired with the Tius family, other less severe cases like Cham, Sheng, Peh.
3. Dick, Dicky, Dickson, Dickinson - the Dick family
4. Virginia, i bet no daughter wanted to be called Virgina Sor/Soh (Soar)
5. Lambert (as illustrated earlier)
6. Monica (see above)
7. Minnie (same reason as 1.)


Category III - Names based on objects, places, countries, buildings or brand names.

1. I know that it's rather memorial to name your child after his/her birthplace.. but please be considerate abit, and think of it carefully before simply naming them.. I've heard of Paris, Florida, London (the not so bad ones) and the really disturbing ones like Bangkok (i m serious).
2. Giving yourself a name like Sydney isnt bad.. but it's just wrong when you are in fact a guy.. please do some research and then you would know that Sydney isnt an unisex name but a more female oriented contonation.
3. Names like Fish, Cloud, Chair, Sable, are just wrong.. (hey, i aint crapping here.. those are of real life examples.. in fact Fish Leong and Cloud Chan or Cheng are actually some celebrities in HongKong)
4. It's ok to have names like Ferrari, Mercedes, even Prada.. but to name your kids as Nike Tan, or Versace Chan.. hmmmmm....... *headache..
5. Naming your kids after tropical fruits - Banana, Melon, Papaya, Apple (not so bad), and worst case scenario - Durian Lim!!!

Category IV- names similar (or completely identical) to celebrities, prime ministers, or of famous people
1. Telly me how many Jacky Chans do you need in 1 country??? (Personally i know 4-5 of them)
2. It's weird when you name your kid as Einsteins, Plato, Socrates, or Hitler..
3. Try to avoid having too many Bruce Lee as well
4. If you wanna be patriotic.. try to beat this guy who named his son after Mahatir.. the thing is.. he's Chinese, therefore - Ma Har Tir (covered by Malaymail bout 3-4 yrs ago). Try Bah Dar Wee or something

Alright here's a list of people you DONT want to get advises from for naming your kids.

1. Hong Kees and Chinese from Certain parts of Mainland China (it's too big to be overgeneralized), if you insisted.. you will end up getting names like.. Fish leong, Emotional Lee (Serious!!), Kiki, Fifi, Gigi, Muscle, Handsome.. ...... Holland!
2. Bengs and Lians.. you will get similar results as 1.
3. Hardcore sci-fi fans, in their head, all their sons must be named Yoda or Klingon, and daughter MUST MUST MUST be Leia
4. Delusional Fantasy novel addicts... If you see a kid with a nametag of Faragorn, or elvish sounding names like Tordrassil Lee the Silverwing.. you know who to blame
5. Spanish.. they will make all your son sounds like some sorta footballer and all your daughter like some famous popstars - Fernando, Miguel, Pablo, Christina, Lopez.. lol
6. English educated Chinese with no sense of creativity.. then you will get names like Sharon Tan Sha Ron, Alan Lee Eh Lan, Joshua Chin Jo Shua, and so on, worst case scenario Lily Lee Li Lee (sorry lily.. :P), wait till you discover another Kiki Kee Ki Kie then you wont be alone

Alright.. so.. in the future.. please please please.. put in a lil bit more effort to research abit.. for your children's sake.. and never never trust nurses' idea and be sure they key in what you instructed them to. Remember, your children are part of you, they are your products.. naming them badly means reflecting your carelessness and weaknesses as well.. therefore.. if you are really that lazy.. just gimme a call with a small ang pow.. i can do the job for you, with terms and conditions applied of course.. hehe no blaming

P.S- no offense to anyone, if you happen to own names like that.. i feel your pain..

Additional msg:
1) to Juei & Kc.. remember.. Holland is a taboo for your family
2) to Roy a.k.a Wz, i know chinese they all like to Gong Xi Fatt Cai.. but please don't name your son Fatt Cai... (See Fatt Cai = Si Fatt Chai = Ass Kid or it could mean sissy in cantonese)

leaving skool f-r3d at 10:48 PM 10 pokies

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